Taylor's first swallow study was an eye opening experience one that will stay with me for many years to come if not forever.
I recall the shock on doctors and nurses' faces when they saw how Taylor swallowed. They would gasp in horror as fluid went into her tiny lungs and gasp at the sight of how uncontrolled Taylor's tongue was when she fed from her bottle. Their reactions terrified me. I mean, I had no idea what was going on or even understood what a swallow study was in the first place.
In my frantic and vulnerable state of mind I was on the phone with my mother-in-law right away. I distinctly remember talking to her and hearing her say over and over "I knew it. I knew something was wrong. I told Max there was something wrong with our baby." And she was right. She told us something was wrong with Taylor, but I disregarded her observation. I guess sometimes no matter how obvious a situation is we mentally don't want to accept it.
Now, of course we noticed little ‘things' and we were diligent in consulting with the doctors and such, but never did the thought of my daughter being handicapped cross my mind. As a first time mother I wanted so much for Taylor and so when I noticed that Taylor was not doing what the other kids her age were doing it frightened me to the core and not because of a certain title that would be forever etched, but because there would be a whole other world to cope with.
In the early days of Taylor's diagnosis so many times I would cry and cry to friends and family. Back then I desperately needed people for support, people to talk to, people to help me understand why this was happening to us. It's now been almost two years since that first test and I don't cry as much anymore. Looking back, I realize that was my way of dealing with things at the time, today, I am stronger for it.
If I learned one thing from all this is that no matter what happens, no matter what we go through, in the end the sacrifices that we make as a family is all that really matters; the sacrifices my family and his family have made for Taylor. I am, also, forever grateful to the many friendships cultivated over the years and I appreciate you all very much. Now, even though there have been many sleepless nights and will remain well into the future I would not trade my baby girl for the world. Love you TBug!
Thank you Maria Piork for helping edit. Please be sure to follow her at marialovestowrite.blogspot.com
