The Guilt...

When we were told that Taylor had major medical problems I immediately felt guilt. I imagined this to be a natural reaction. I mean, here I was following doctor’s orders taking my prenatal pills, staying away from food that I was told to avoid and yet Taylor was ill. Did I do something to cause my daughter’s suffering?? Did I not exercise enough?? Was it perhaps all those bean burritos I ate??  (I really did question that by the way – had MAJOR cravings…lol). What could I have done to cause Taylor to suffer so much?

Then, I thought okay, I know what it is, God was punishing me. Yep, God was punishing me for some not so prudent choices I had made as an adolescent. He was teaching me a lesson. Moreover, I thought He was telling me to stop and value the small things. Was He really teaching a lesson? Of course! Doesn't He always?

So consumed was I with this notion of punishment, that one day while on the phone with my sister Stefanie I was hysterically crying and asked her, "Do you think I am being punished through Taylor for the choices I made in the past?" Stefanie was quick to remind me of a good, humble, God worthy family whose daughter had Cerebral Palsy. She commented, “Jenna, you know Stacy lives a God worthy life, but yet God blessed her with a daughter with special needs just like you. See, He gives special children to special people." Stefanie was so right; I had definitely been humbled without a doubt.

So here comes the day we discovered that Taylor had 2Q37 Deletion Syndrome and obviously the burning question is still eating away at me.  Was it ME that caused this upon my daughter? You can’t imagine the relief I felt when I was told that less than five percent of cases are passed down genetically and according to Taylor's Geneticist 2Q37 Deletion Syndrome had most likely just happened for NO other particular reason than crazy chance. This was MOST comforting to say the least!  That’s when my notion was confirmed, 2Q37 Deletion Syndrome was in fact God's plan for Taylor.

Recently Max and I were given the opportunity to have blood work done that would enable doctors to determine if there is a possiblity that the impacting chromosome may be missing from either one of us.  Now, at this point do we really want to know? What if one of us is missing that tiny line on chromosome two... what if it’s Max? What if it is I??  The way we see it, we’re past the point when it’d make a difference, so we have declined the test at this time.  However, in the event that we do want to have another child we would most definitely have the test done.  Neither Max nor I want another child to have to suffer as Taylor has. 

My Dad told me a while back, "You remember to take good care of my grandbaby because she is an ‘elite’ spirit of God and chosen from the pre-existence by God." I do believe that Taylor is ‘elite’. Taylor is a special spirit of God, and Taylor is without a doubt the most comforting and perfect spirit I know. She may not have all the physical attributes most normal babies have, but she has the highest power by being a chosen spirit of God. He trusted us to love, adore, teach, help, and care for a child of God, to care for Taylor.

Thank you Maria Piork for helping edit. Please be sure to follow her at Marialovestowrite.blogspot.com.